Diverse talk

Going through the motions of Imposter Syndrome

September 10, 2021 Angie Season 1 Episode 6
Diverse talk
Going through the motions of Imposter Syndrome
Show Notes Transcript

Episode 6 is with me your host Angie. I want to thank you for being here. This is from a very personal lens, experience and is in no way meant to be for sympathy or inspirational. I am one out of many that have had back to back hardships and like many, I have come to see it as a whole. I am learning new things in this work and its been in forms of learning how to edit audio or photography. All of it is a part of my growth. Even during this episode I was battling sharing this 9 minute snippet of my life and how far I've come with my doubts and fears on my identity.
Have you heard of unmasking?
 Do you(disabled person)believe this is fully possible, a journey and work in progress or something you aren't sure you see for yourself?
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Angie  0:05  
You're listening to the diverse talk podcast. I'm your host, Angie. So far in season one I'm bringing on people who share their advocacy and lived experiences within the neuro diverse community. The hope is to seal and heal the divides that are active in our community. It's all sorts of surface supports, and give space for those who are affected by the divides, and the lack of inclusion. I hope this helps. Today, you're tuning into this episode with your host, Angie. The stories and points I'm going to be making are from my perspective, and lived experiences. These are some observations on how I've been noticing fear taking the front seat of my life, where I started to see it, make excuses for it. And where I am now with imposter syndrome. proceeding in one, two....

Angie  1:00  
To feel like I don't belong is something I've carried with me. And it started with being corrected. For example, I used to watch the Martin Lawrence show as a kid. And after my mom was in the process of a divorce, at around, I think I was like seven, me and my brother would go to see his father on Wednesdays. I was talking about the show. And he stopped me and said, it's Martin, (accenting the t & n) not Artin (where i slience those two letters). And maybe not from there. But from this is what I remember, from there, the adults in my life, felt the need to correct the way I set things. Tell me the kind of people based on color behavior to make friends with and not bring home. And it trickled down to my appearance. And eventually I just didn't know who I was or who I was supposed to be. My hope for life was to move out, graduate, go to university out of state and just get away from everyone and everything that believed that I wasn't enough. I didn't make it past the ninth grade, something I don't share with many people. The adults in my life failed me. Now I didn't see it that way for a very long time. I believed that my actions as a child were my fault that it led to me failing, and ultimately having double the troubles my mother experienced in her life. I was already on my own at the age of 16, from walking out of my mother's house. And to this day, there are very two different narratives as to how all those things happen. A lot happened in between. and I had two kids at the age of 17. And tried multiple times to obtain my GED, but was trying to flee the many situations that at that time, I felt were on me. And then I found myself on and off homeless and will go long periods of time with no support or hearing from my family and them not hearing from me. I navigated very few jobs and started to experience what I know now as meltdowns, burnouts, and shut down, and those things are brushed off many times, I was even told once after a panic attack, wow, trying to apply for a job, that I might just be pregnant. Although I wasn't even sexually active at that time. I also knew that as an adult, you should take responsibility, you know, for your life, your actions, no matter. So I did. I've always been ashamed to tell anyone about these lived experiences, my lived experiences, because there was already stories about me circulating my family and a neighborhood about my defiance, and I get it. I really did get it. At that time I I was angry. I was fed up. I was tired of abuse. I was tired of being confused. And I'm still angry. But at that time, the difference is I would react after many years of reacting it pushed people away, opportunities away. So many times I was told I was an inconvenience. And I really believed it. Because I felt like these things were happening because of the way I was reacting. By that time. I already knew that I couldn't do things like other people. And I already knew that I wasn't like other parents. And being like everybody else. Having a place of my own came in 2018. After going through a shelter around the time, a hurricane was set to land in Miami. By then I was a recovering alcoholic, a former cancer patient. I lost a son and had another son and had been a solo parent. Then he turned one we both got diagnosed for autism while I was ill, but my focus was a home job and therapies for him. And we barely made rent, had food. But at that point, it was okay because no one can tell me nothing. I really started to realize that I can do a lot. But I was still struggling internally, a year after being in our own place. We united with a win and had a baby. So life as usual shifted and those changes and shift were never simple, a lot affected my son who saw a struggle the most. I always thought that raising my kids was like, raising myself. And there's been a lot of shame for me in that, but I didn't see it or understand until I finally stood in one place for long enough. 

Angie  1:03  
AD for Anchor: Hey, if any of this is resonating with you, I'm truly glad that you're still here, I just want to let you know that I was able to do this swiftly and easy through the anchor app. And what I really like is that they have a desktop version, it usually takes me a bit to learn a new platform, but not with anchor, it's been a relief to have a place where diverse talk can be heard on a variety podcast platforms. And considering a newbie, being able to earn money with anchor without needing 1000 plus subscribers, is going to really help me with putting money back into this production and to help distribute talks for the neurodiverse community. So if you ever had any thoughts to start a podcast, anchor is definitely the way to go. Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. And I wish you all the luck.

 A year ago in August, I was at the Dollar Tree. And this is when we came out of quarantine, I was really, for the first time focusing and slowing down and shopping at a pace where I could notice certain things that my son was doing. And I realized that it was okay for us to be us. But I was still struggling internally, we decided to kind of form a community in the YouTube community make videos here and there surrounding autism, because they're autistic. But it did it last due to me seen from concerning autistic influencers, in the YouTube Spaces, then talking over others people's lived experiences. So I turned to social media platform on Instagram. And I found slowly but surely real talk on neurodivergents. And it made me realize a lot of things I learned a lot about myself from other people. While I'm not success story of the things that people hope to hear about me, I still do know that I've conquered a lot, I still know that I'm a survivor of a lot. But I still struggle internally. In the past year, I've made friendships, real friends, I realized that a lot of my situations and experiences were due to systemic oppression and loss of identity. And that while I know that many decisions have been on me, many of them have been for survival. And I know there are many people who have felt shame, guilt, and the pain of not belonging. I'm not the only one. And I know that I'm not alone. Naturally, I've always wanted to help and always did throughout my life, because I know what that play. But I started out not knowing where my place in the community and in advocacy, what I met some of you through a page called discover spectrum where me and my kid were reading books, they were on learning disabilities t on YouTube, and starting this podcast. Through all of that I would always question Who was I to even be doing any of it. I always had that in the back. You know, of my brain. And so recently, I saw this IGTV that just made things click for me. And it was by @accordingtoweeze, and then this is a person who coined the term BBIMP, meaning black, brown, indigenous melanated people that in a nutshell made one thing clear, if it's not your lived experience, your place is not at the front, you should not be holding the mic. Now I'm a biracial neurodivergent person who parent neurodivergent, biracial kid, and I'm finding my own place by reclaiming my heritage, culture, learning from my own people, and UNIKIN and coined by  to Asiatu and I now know who I am. But I still struggle internally. Now know for those who are listening, it may be a different story for you. It may be that you've been able to step away from your past situations, graduate, go to university and do all those things that are successful and a lot of people's eyes. And I feel like imposter syndrome does not discriminate, because you have those things. Now I'm not the one who can tell you how to combat imposter syndrome. What I can say is for our children that we are having, this is something that feels like they don't have a place in this world that they don't have their own identity. And for so long. I didn't even embrace any part of my race. My neurotype it took being surrounded through a social media platform, of course on see that there was other people going through these same thing. I'm not sure if imposter syndrome is something that'll ever really go away but I am happy to say that I am proud of the things that I am today, it does not mean that I don't have melt down, it does not mean that I'm cured of any of the systemic oppression or cured of my neuro type. It just means that I'm able to see my place in the community. And at this time, I'm not a resource. I'm a person. I'm not an advocate, because I'm learning though. So for many of you who are listening, it's okay where you're at if your goal is to be an activist, if your goal is to be an advocate, if your goal is to be a teacher of some kind, through writing books, a business that centers autistic people, that centers, disability, it's okay to be in a place where you're learning where you're finding out and embracing and reclaiming who you are, no matter where you were born. No matter the color of your skin, no matter if you graduated or didn't graduate. There is a lot of pain through healing, but it is possible to find other people and you're not alone. And even with the scar and your past experiences, you are a person and you deserve to hear that you are enough.

In this episode, I'd like to thank the many people who have without knowing been a huge part of my learning and embracing who I am. I'd also like to thank beacon supply for being a monthly supporter. I really appreciate it. Please check the show notes for links, crediting the terms, BBIMP and UNIKIN. You can also you can leave me a message if you'd like to connect with me to talk about this episode or be on the podcast yourself. A note to my younger self: You are Angie, a person who is still helping with healing through learning and is already changing the history within your family who still stands for what they believe in even if you're standing alone. But the good news is, you're not alone anymore. there's still work to do. And I know there always will be,Angie.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai